I’m excited for the next month of writing, building new habits and continuing to build my author platform. I’m excited to have you all along for the ride as well.
November 2024 Nikki was so hopeful…
So excited…
So in denial of what was truly going on within her own body and mind.
For the first two weeks of November I was excited to be writing and I was feeling good about finishing the final book in my Fangirl Series. However, my body was in survival mode and calling out for help. We’ll get back to that momentarily, but needless to say there has been A LOT of changes in my life that had my author career at a complete halt.
PREVIOUSLY ON…
My life has been a little bit of a rollercoaster. June 2024 I was working as an Assistant Deli Manager with someone I considered a close friend. My time there was short and had a great cost to it. I should have seen the signs that my body and mind were both crying out for help, but I ignored them as most women tend to do. Working 7-10 days in a row for 12-14 hours takes a toll on you. It ended in one incredibly selfish/rude comment and the ending of a good friendship. I’m not proud of what happened, but in the end it has led me to the point where I am now and I can be grateful for that.
In September 2024, I landed a dream job for book lovers. I started working at my local library. That’s right, I was surrounded by books, giving out recommendations, talking about books all the time and I was even allowed to read while I was sitting at the circulation desk. In the 7 months I was at the library I read 52 books which is amazing… or you would think.
THE PLOT TWIST
November 15, 2024 started off like any other day. After a late night of writing I woke up, had breakfast, grabbed my water and Monster then headed off to the library’s administration building for training. I was happily singing along to my Project Bookmarks playlist and drinking the peachy caffeine to wake up my brain. Halfway through my drive my heart began beating rapidly. My chest started tightening and a sharp pain radiated up my jaw. My intuition told me to pull off from the highway and call emergency services. A million thoughts ran through my mind as paramedics assessed me. Was this a panic attack? Was I over reacting? How much is this all going to cost me?
“You’ve had a myocardial infarction. A heart attack.”
“I’m only 37 years old…” is the only thought I had during my overnight stay at the hospital for monitoring. After a million tests including one radioactivity stress test (in which I did not turn into spider woman… darn), five new prescriptions and two new doctors I was released to go back home.
A WHOLE NEW WORLD
One reason I love writing books is because I have the power to outline every little outcome. In real life there is no outline, no notes only flying by the seat of our pants. I tried to get back into a routine by working at the library, writing, and reading. However, everything had changed and I fell into a dark, dark hole.
I needed a change… a purpose… Even though I loved everyone I worked with at the library and constantly being around books all day. I found myself missing working for a school and specifically as an administrative assistant. I casually began applying for positions and after many, MANY interviews the perfect position was offered to me. As of March 2025, I have been the Budget Administrative Assistant for a middle school in one of the largest districts in my city. I handle all things accounts payable, budget, finance and purchasing for my school. So far, I have loved every minute of it and the people I’m working with. I even have my very first big girl office!
WHEN IT RAINS IT POURS
Even though life seems to be going well, I’ve had some other major bumps since my heart attack. After an agonizing self reflection, I decided to end my friendship with my best friend of 25 years. This loss hit me hard and in ways I wasn’t expecting. Loneliness is sinking in hard that I really only have a few friends who I speak to on a regular basis. A lot of that is on me because I’m very much an introvert and do not make friends easily. I don’t trust others easily to let them get close to me.
I’ve also very recently had to put one of my cats down. Even though she had a great, loving, full 18 years of life it’s still hard to deal with. This has also made me look at my cat, Firefly, differently because now he is the oldest and if you know anything about me he is my son. We’ve gone through so much together and he’s my clingy, momma’s boy that I love dearly. He’s getting older and it makes me sad that one day in the not too far future he won’t be there by my side.
Change is difficult and I feel like this past year has been one big change after another.
AM I A WRITER OR IMPOSTER?
Life has slowly been getting back to normal since my heart attack. No longer do I drink energy drinks and I monitor my diabetes closely. I’m still working on exercising and eating healthy. The only thing that hasn’t come back was my writing. I’m six chapters away from finishing my fourth and final book in my Fangirl series. I simply cannot get myself to sit at my desk, pull up my manuscript and write the words. I feel lost…
Also, I released the third book in this series which I thought would help push me to finish my manuscript. Then I thought maybe it’s because I don’t have my next project picked so I started outlining new projects… so many new projects.
I thought about going back to my roots and writing new fanfiction since I currently have a new hyper fixation for Superman/Clark Kent, thank you Mr. David Corenswet. Finally, the last thought I had was simply that I’m an imposter and should quit writing altogether.
Now, rationally I know this isn’t true, but my mind can’t help to wonder that maybe it is true.
GETTING OUT OF THE FUNK
Honestly, I don’t know how to get out of it. I don’t know how to get back into the headspace of having a consistent writing routine. I don’t know how to force myself to sit down and write without doom scrolling or watching Superman for the 100th time. I know I need to sit at my desk, put away all distractions and at least open my manuscript. I know once I get past this huge bump in the road and get the words flowing again then everything will settle back into place.
I just have to get over this mountain first…
NIKKI RAE 